Childless Role Models and Ageing

Sue Fagalde Lick over at Childless By Marriage has posted about role models, and – in preparation for a Childless Elderwomen discussion – asks whether her readers had role models, and if so who they were, and how they were role models for the childless. I started to respond, realised I was writing a post, and so here I am!

The plethora of writing and blogging and podcasts and insta accounts and Fbk groups and and webinars/zoom chats all came too late for me. I went through the transition from trying to conceive to accepting being childless largely on my own. I had a few friends who don’t have children – some by choice, some not, some in real life, some internet friends – and that helped me feel less alone. They were my supports, rather than role models. I knew of well-known women who had chosen not to have children, but very few if any who were open about not being able to have children. An elderly in-law aunt and uncle were really the only people I knew who didn’t have children despite wanting them. They travelled a lot and were interested in things going on in the community, but were mocked by some of their sisters for other quirks. So I never thought of them as role models, and we never talked about it with them. Twenty or so years ago, no-one talked about it – in public, or even in private, with me. Oh, except one woman who was temping at my work. I’d almost forgotten her. She talked about how hard it had been, but how she was happy ten years later in her 50s. I can’t even remember if I had told her about our situation, because at the time I was a) still trying to conceive, and b) was very very private about it.

I did find two books – one was Sweet Grapes, but I can’t remember the other – but they were of little help. Sweet Grapes talked about the idea that since they weren’t trying to have children any more, they were no longer infertile. I remember trying to embrace the idea, but being unable to. I did not feel that way yet. I still don’t really. So I had no role models. No-one I could relate to who had tried to have children, didn’t, and was happy anyway.

So in those years of coming to terms with not being able to have children, I had no-one I could look to as a role model. By necessity, I was figuring it all out myself, chatting occasionally to one or two who were in a similar situation through our ectopic message board. I had to – by necessity – establish my own identity, encompassing the childless part, but not allowing it to dominate all of who I am. It was hard work, and required a lot of thought and heartache, years before I even began blogging over thirteen years ago, and long before Pamela and Jody and others started building the childless community. Actually, I’m grateful I was able to do that, even though it was lonely, and really hard. I didn’t want to be given a stereotype of how I should be – I had resisted the stereotypes for girls and women for so many years after all. So it was very important to me to figure out who I am, what I value in life and in myself, what being childless was going to be like for me. As Sarahg said to me many years ago, even knowing what needed to be done, I still had to do it myself.

That is why I have blogged, why I grit my teeth and accept requests to speak out or write articles, etc, under my own name. I do it so that others can see that they're not alone, and that they will be okay. And it is why I am now talking more frequently about ageing. It's not to be a role model - other than perhaps to help others feel okay about figuring out who they are too. We’re all different. I love to travel, to write, to think and talk about these issues. Others don’t. I have a friend in a similar situation who rarely mentions it, never even told her family, but lives a busy, happy life, filled with love and nieces and nephews and friends and young colleagues she inspires. Her motto is “the purpose of life is to enjoy it.” I love that. There’s no one way to get through this, other than to decide that we will. And if, in doing that, we become role models for others, then that is wonderful. It can be on a small scale, like my friend, or on a global scale, like Jody Day and Pamela Tsigdinos and others who are ensuring that our community is heard.

The online childless community was only just coming into being fifteen years or so, as blogging boomed and social media saw the development of online communities and relationships. And so discussions of ageing without children, or of having No Kidding role models, is relatively new. Because the focus has often been on those going through the initial hard years of grief and adjustment. Rightly. Thankfully, now, there are plenty of wonderful role models out there now for those going through this very difficult transition – so many of my blog readers are now role models themselves, as well as Pamela and Jody and Sue and many more.

But for those of us who are ageing, there are few role models. I certainly don’t have any who are years ahead of me, who can show me the way. But you know, I’m okay with this. I want to figure it out myself, and that’s what I’m doing. I’m talking about it here when I can, often writing to find out what I think. I do it both because it helps me, and because I think that women in their 60s and beyond who speak out now might help flag issues for the rest of the community. We are losing parents, adjusting to the idea of ageing, knowing what ageing is like at all stages of old age, and becoming aware of issues many are only just beginning to think about. Some are themselves facing issues that I might not yet have faced, or might be thinking about, and that younger readers have put in the “I’ll think about it when I need to” or the “Not Necessary Yet” box. Some will have answers. Others will not, or will just raise more questions. That’s okay. What is important is that we are all having the discussion.

The Childless Childless Elderwomen will be discussing role models on 20 December (Europe/US time). To get the link, register here. I’ve just done it.