I recently took part in a social media discussion about meeting up with an old friend when we're childless. A poster was nervous - since she had last met up with this friend her long term relationship had broken up, she hadn't had children, and she'd had some difficult times. She was dreading the "what's happened in your life since I last saw you" question. And she felt embarrassed and ashamed about how her life had turned out.
I recognised her feelings acutely, remembering back to the years immediately after my last ectopic and attempts at IVF. I dreaded meeting former acquaintances who had taken on the "earth mother" mantle. I don't have those feelings anymore. If people want to judge me for not having children, or having pursued a different career path, or retiring early (partly by choice, partly not), then that tells me much more about them than anything about me. Because I have had years to deal with this and figure it out, and I'm content.
I said to her that her feelings were familiar. And that the worst of these situations were never how people acted towards me, or reacted to my childlessness (some good, some not so good). The worst was always what I imagined people might say or think about me. This made the anticipation of an event so much more miserable than it needed to be, and always worse than the event ended up being.
Of course, as I've said here a lot, it was the voice in my head telling me to that they would think I was less, that then made me wonder about it too. But then I realised that I could retrain my brain, ask myself if those thoughts and feelings were true, and then dismiss the thoughts if/when the answer was no. I have written about it, in slightly different contexts, frequently under the label "negative thoughts." With this visual:
I reminded her too that she is worthy, worthy of friendship and love, regardless of whether she has children or not, is in a relationship or not, etc.
There was a lot of good advice for the anonymous poster, and I was so pleased to see social media being used to support and help someone. Here are some of the best suggestions for her from the others:
1. You are in control of what you tell her and what you don't. Another person said, you don't have to have a deep and meaningful conversation - keep it light, meet over an activity (eg go for a walk) as a distraction.
2. Everyone has something going on. You might be surprised that her life isn't as perfect as it seems.
3. Is the anxiety more about what we internalise from society's expectations of us as women, rather than what she may think of you?
4. Your friend might be feeling nervous too, after such a long gap. "She's going to judge me for being so family oriented," etc.
5. See it as a low stakes situation. You're just having (insert lunch/coffee/walk etc). If she is judgemental, don't give her any more of your energy, and if she is not, great!
6. Be yourself. You don't need to overshare. Stories can be shared over time.
7. "Half my friends are single and childless." The social norm is still considered families and mothers, but the reality is different. There's nothing unusual about you.
8. Highlight the things that make you shine. If she is the right person, talking can be healing. Your friend will be over the moon just to see you again.
