I hesitated to add self-confidence to my list, as one of the
first impacts of my losses and infertility was a severe lack of confidence. It
didn't help that I’d changed careers at the time, and I no longer had the daily
reminders that I was an intelligent and capable person, or the reinforcement of
colleagues and clients when I did a good job. This lack of confidence was
surprising to me. If you’d asked me, I would have said I had never tied my
self-worth or my identity as a woman to being able to have children. But when I
couldn't have children, when I was shut out of the mothers’ club, I felt the
onslaught of society telling me that I was “less.” And my confidence plummeted.
So it may seem strange that I list confidence as one of the gifts of infertility. I have the benefit of
being a decade on from the first shock of loss, and if I look back, I see a
real growth in self-confidence too. Yes, this may be a result of the wisdom of
a few more years. But it is also the result of new experiences, of being thrust
into a situation I didn't choose, and of being forced to work through this to
find a place of peace.
But as I dealt with my losses and infertility, as I found
new talents, as I realised I was learning to deal with life and whatever it
throws at you, my confidence was restored. Strictly speaking, it was never restored,
because it when it returned, it was in a very different guise, with quite a different view of life.
I have been broken down, and rebuilt piece by piece. And that rebuild is solid.
Once again your post has spoken directly to me. It's really reassuring to know that it does get better. I mean, logically, I know that it will get better, but in my heart it feels like it's going to hurt forever. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteGrey once told me that scar tissue, though not necessarily pretty, is amazingly tough stuff. I like to believe that my new found self-confidence is built from scar tissue. Meaning it takes a lot to rock me now (still rockable, though). In a strange way, I have infertility and loss to thank for that, just like you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this series, Mali. It's given me a lot to think about.
I like Grey's comment about scar tissue. And I think you're right that our confidence is built on that.
Delete"This lack of confidence was surprising to me. If you’d asked me, I would have said I had never tied my self-worth or my identity as a woman to being able to have children. "
ReplyDeleteThank you for putting this into words! I've always wondered about this, especially with intelligent and eloquent women. But I guess the instinct not to become a social outcast is a strong survival mechanism, if unconscious.
I might have told you about the reactions of some male colleagues when I told about my fertility problems: more than one (married) man offered to "help"!
That left little room to doubt my desirability or femininity. And hey, gave me a good laugh, still does. (and sadly confirms that some men don't always use their brain to think)
"But it is also the result of new experiences, of being thrust into a situation I didn't choose, and of being forced to work through this to find a place of peace." - that hits the nail on the head for me. So beautiful described. i have often thought about my increase in self confidence, but it's hard to describe how or why. But you did so perfectly (p.s. i know i'm commenting on these all out of order, but i just keep all new blog posts that i need to read open in my browser and slowly work through them :)
ReplyDeleteOh, Mali, you have such a way with words. I felt so empowered reading this post. :-)
ReplyDelete