One
of the joys of blogging is “meeting” people who are inspirational, people I
admire and look up to, people who are kindred souls, people who can teach me
things and expose me to new lives, ideas, and ways of thinking, people who
remind me I’m not alone, and last but not least, people who make me laugh. I have found all these people in the
blogosphere – first my friends over at A Separate Life, and now here in the no
kids and ALI communities.
So
I was especially interested to hear the recent podcast on Bitter Infertiles
that featured Pamela and Loribeth. For
one, I wanted to hear their voices and accents.
You see, you all have kiwi accents when I read your blogs. It’s always a bit of a shock to hear
someone’s real voice! (As I’m sure you would find it a shock to hear mine.) But
mostly, I listened because I wanted to hear what questions the Bitter Infertiles’ hosts would ask
our two living-life-without-children representatives, and also, of course, hear
their responses.
The
discussion didn’t disappoint, and made me want to highlight a few things here, especially
for those who haven’t heard the podcast, or don’t have the time. (I had to listen to it in two separate
sittings, simply to get through it, and it's taken me some time to be able to comment too).
The main issue that I think many infertiles struggle with is how we actually take the
decision, how do we get to that stage, and how could we ever bear to do it, to
say “enough” or “that’s all folks.” And
so I was interested in the comment that this fear of the decision is actually
the fear of grief, and the fear of failing to grieve. I’m not sure if I’m going to represent their
point of view correctly, so I’ll give my perspective. If you’ve been through infertility and loss,
you’ve most probably grieved. We grieve
lost pregnancies, or cycles that never ended in pregnancy, and we grieve the
loss of our natural fertility/biological children long before we get to the end
of the road. So we all know how painful
grief is. Then we have to grieve the
loss of our dream of being a parent. And the thought of that grief, being the culmination of all the others, the end of a dream, is painful. And yes, the reality is painful too. I’ve never tried to hide
that. Equally, though, the decision
might be accompanied by a moment of relief, of a vision of the future opening up in
full technicolour when we have been stuck in immovable grey despair. In my experience at least, that moment
of relief – whilst wonderful – is only a moment. Then we have to go through the hard slog of grief,
grieving the loss of our quest, the loss of a future we thought we’d have. And it takes time, and yes, it is painful. But it is not something to fear. Because we need to do it to come through the
other side. We need to do it to let go of our dreams, and start to dream something else. It is worth it. Believe me.
But if we fear to make this decision (and I’m referring to the decision to grieve rather
than the decision to stop trying for children – because for many of us that
decision is taken for us), if we drift in denial, then we drift in limbo. When we’re drifting, as one of the panelists pointed out, too often we’re afraid
of being around children because of the emotions they elicit. Yet when we resolve and accept a life
without children of our own, we can open our hearts to other children around us,
and bring them into our lives. Again, it doesn’t happen overnight. But
we get there, and it’s worth the effort.
Of course, the
inevitable question of any childless woman was asked. But perhaps it was to be expected in this
environment of open, frank discussion. “Why didn’t you pursue donor egg/surrogacy/adoption?” And whilst both Pamela and Loribeth had
different experiences, there was an interesting discussion about taking into
account what might be best for a child of DE/surrogacy/adoption, instead of
just blindly staying on the treadmill, and pursuing what can become an
overwhelming desire for a child. And I
wanted to applaud all who were involved in this discussion, and particularly the
comment from Mo or Cristy (I can’t remember who) noting that in many ways the
decision to live life without children is a selfless one, one that recognises
what might be best for the child, not just what the parents want for themselves. As Pamela or Loribeth pointed out, so often those
of us without kids are painted (ignorantly) as being “selfish” it was nice
to hear recognition that there are selfless (and I would add, responsible, rational) reasons for our decisions too.
As
a regular reader of both Pamela and Loribeth, I wasn’t surprised that they come across as very confident, self-aware women, women who know who they are and are
comfortable in their own skins. Perhaps,
it was postulated, this is because they have to make their own markers in life,
recognise their progress and different stages of relating to others, when the
major markers of life for many women are markers as mothers – giving birth, first day of school, graduation, marriages and yes, more babies. I liked this thought – as I certainly think
I’m more self aware than many who perhaps don’t have the time to reflect, or
who define themselves as mothers and don’t reflect on that. I am certainly more self-aware than when I was
going through infertility and loss, and before
that too. There's more to think about here - that'll be a task for me in the coming days and weeks.
Finally,
I wanted to cheer Pamela when she corrected the interviewers (a couple of times
I think) that she didn’t choose not to have children. Instead, she “had no choice but to come to
terms” with her life without children. I
have said this before (here), and I want to say it every time I see Mel and
other bloggers write the words “choose to live child free.” As we’ve said before, the real choice is
whether to live in regret, or rather to embrace life and live it to its fullest. Pamela and Loribeth are doing this, and I
salute them.
So grateful for your insights here. If the time zones lined more neatly it would have been great to include your voice in the mix. Mo and christy talked about having us back. Maybe it could be a panel of three taking on submitted questions...much as I enjoy writing, talking has an organic, on the spot insight advantage along with real time responses. Your accent and idioms would also add some novelty!
ReplyDeleteMali, I would love to hear your voice - together with Pamela & Loribeth! That would be awsome!
ReplyDeleteNeither did I choose not to have children. THe only choice was whether to be sad & bitter & deppresed till the end of my days. Or to embrace life and live it to its fullest. Second choice seems much nicer :)
Thank you Mali for writing about the podcast. I had started to listen to it, but have to admit I´m a reader not a listener.
ReplyDeleteAnd it made me smile to read about the accents. I´m sure if I heard your voice I would instantly get homesick for NZ and think you sound just like my other kiwi friends (because as an unaccustomed listener I have trouble distinguishing voices and accents)
In my reader your blog is under CNBC-childless not by choice, I thought that the commonly accepted way of phrasing it?
(I also need to work up the courage to correct people who equate not having genetic offspring to no offspring at all. I did spend more than a year grieving the loss of DNA and another year coming to terms with DE. So I can agree with you that the fear of grieving was real, but necessary to overcome to make another choice)
You might remember this post when I talked about labels. http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.co.nz/2011/11/childless-childfree-or-what.html
DeleteYou're free of course to include my post under any category in your reader you like. Crazy Old Ladies is another possibility!
I thought this was one of the best podcasts Bitter Infertiles has done so far. If there's another on this topic, I really do hope the stars (and time zones) align to allow you to be a part of it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post, it said almost everything I thought - but much more elegantly than I could!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mali! I got an idea of what was discussed at the podcast. and I agree with you saying, " I think many infertiles struggle with is how we actually take the decision, how do we get to that stage, and how could we ever bear to do it, to say “enough” or “that’s all folks" and "Then we have to go through the hard slog of grief, grieving the loss of our quest, the loss of a future we thought we’d have."
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say more to that, but I really am glad that you were able to summarize it all.
Heartfelt thanks to you for putting it on blog for us who are readers, not listeners (as said in a comment)
I actually choked and had tears in my eyes when I heard that response, that it was "selfless" to make that decision. I was surprised at my reaction 'coz it was unexpected, but that just meant that I did feel I was "selfish" for making the decision and it felt like a breath of fresh air to hear someone validate our decision. :-)
ReplyDeleteIt's great to find "kindred spirits"... but it's also great when you find people like Cristy & Mo whose situations may not be exactly the same as ours, but who are willing to listen, ask good questions & respect the different paths we have taken.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Having had a NZ penpal since I was 16 (with whom I used to occasionally trade "letters" on cassette tape instead of paper) & a NZ coworker for many years, I have no problem hearing an accent in my head as I read your posts, lol.
Thanks for posting the links! I have been on a crusade to find more childfree bloggers, this really helped!
ReplyDeleteIt would be cool to hear your voice and accent as well! It was a really good podcast with several powerful messages.
ReplyDelete