16 October, 2014

Shying away from exposure

Yesterday was Babyloss Awareness Day, and a lot of my friends have posted about it on Fb. I commented and appreciated these posts. But I didn’t post one myself. Which is not to say that I didn’t think about my own two lost pregnancies, or those of my friends and relatives who have lost babies – from young babies to still-births to early miscarriages.  We have all known the grief of losing a life we had such hope for, even if our losses and experiences were very different.  But this isn't something I talk about openly to all my FB friends. Or my family.  Maybe particularly my family.  Hmmm.

Now on the radio that is the soundtrack to my life, they are discussing the Apple/FB egg-freezing policy. They have a panel discussion, and invite comments. I wanted to get my two cents worth in, so I sent a comment. But I did it under a pseudonym. And not Mali either, because I've pretty much come out as Mali. No, believe it or not, my pseudonym has a pseudonym!

The weird thing is that I am perfectly prepared to speak out about infertility and my feelings about it. But on my terms. So I guess that I am still wary of being part of a public discussion. I feel exposed – but I think I might feel that way about any other topic too. New Zealand is a really small place, and the odds are that people I know personally and professionally will see/hear my comments. Well, that’s my excuse, and I'm sticking to it.


  1. Understand completely about being exposed, especially in a small place. I live in a small village here and I can totally relate to what you're saying. Words can spread like a wildfire here (in both good and bad ways), so it's important to choose wisely (like what you're doing).

    But anyway, I'm sending you warm thoughts and (((HUGS))) for your losses, Mali (though I know your real name, but I feel like I've known you as Mali, so it's kinda hard to switch he he...).

  2. I think I understand where you are coming from. I'm glad you contributed your voice, even if it was under a pseudonym. People need to hear your voice.

  3. This is interesting to reflect on. Like you, I need to have control about my thoughts and what I share. But I think another thing is when I share my opinions on infertility, people see the twins and hence come to the conclusion that there was a "happy ending." So in a way, it's more safe. With your case, there's already an element that makes people uncomfortable. Hence there's a tendency (and a very wrong one) to assume your opinions come from a place of bitterness, even if they are shared by te community.

    I guess what I'm saying is I get it.

  4. I thought of several of my friends yesterday and wanted to show them love on FB, but I know some of them are very private about it. So I posted a generic message and hoped they all understood it was for them. As I look at my friends list I think, wow, so many of them have suffered from infertility. But then I realized, we understand each other and I try to surround myself with those who get it. Its so much easier to relate to them.

  5. I posted something on FB. I don't do it often -- I'm not that brave -- but on occasions like October 15th I feel a little more courageous. ;) I do often "like" stuff on FB related to pg loss & grief, and I realize that it may show up in my friends' news feeds. But it's not quite as direct as "sharing." ;)