07 May, 2018

The Day that is Not For Us

Yes, it's that day soon, the Day that is Not For Us, the day that strikes dread into the heart of many of the No Kidding, the day that reminds us without mercy that we didn't become the mothers we had wanted to be, the day that has a little sting, whether we've been No Kidding after infertility for months, or for 15 years!

 Last year, we were in Iceland and delightfully buffered from the day and all it brings, but this year I am unable to escape, and so I am currently trying to figure out how to maintain a level of control over the day and how it affects me. It is actually my husband's birthday this Sunday, and we've decided to go out for dinner the night before, to avoid the happy families in the restaurants, but this means we have no excuse but to spend time with his mother! The truth is that, of her four children (and their spouses), we are the only ones who will be with her on the day, and we want to do that for her.

However, I want to keep some of the day for my husband, too, so I'm trying to think of a way we can do both – do justice to his mother, but give him some special time too.

But I also want – yes, I want a lot! – to carve out some of the day for me too, because I'm not going to pretend that I don't feel ignored and isolated by society on this day, and forgotten by friends and family - that would dishonour my journey, and our losses. As I said recently to Infertile Phoenix, I think that the world wants us to assimilate and join in with the day, whereas doing our own thing, honouring our own lives (because nobody else will), is a legitimate a way to spend the day (or in my case, part of the day). It is in fact, one of the great freedoms of living a No Kidding life.

For the record, some previous M Day posts:



  1. Thanks for sharing your plan. I have been coming up with one of my own, its hard b/c I want to celebrate my Mom and MIL, Sister, and SIL, but it's going to be hard. This day was hard for me even before i started trying to concieve b/c I have wanted to be a Mom for so long, but this year is my first fighting infertility. I will enjoy going back and reading your previous posts.

  2. I hate when blogger eats comments. So the short version of the previous comment.

    Very glad you are mapping out next Sunday, making plans to honor DH, your MIL and especially yourself. It’s insanely important that you allow yourself some Me time, despite what others may think.

    I agree with you that there’s still this push to focus solely on the “happy” for this holiday. Given the origins of this day, where a woman created the holiday to honor her mother who lost over half her children, the shift in focus really is self-serving for a select few. But just as we see in other aspects of life, focusing solely on one aspect while ignoring/blocking the other is rarely healthy and some discomfort will actually do the global populous some good.

  3. Obligation and celebration on a day you wish you could hibernate is so challenging. It's like the universe decided to test you. I'm so glad you're planning ahead in an effort to minimize the hard.

    I hope that you are able to find balance (and peace) on Sunday.

    Maybe one of these years, I'll try to arrange a M Day Skype in or something so that we can all spend time together with our tribe, even if just on a computer screen.

  4. I am extremely thankful for your comment and have been thinking about it ever since I first read it. I had never thought about it in those terms before, but I think you are right: the world *does* want us to assimilate. But we can't. And it's not fair or kind to ask that of us.

    I think it is very important to honor our own lives, the way they are, instead of ignoring them and celebrating according to others' wishes that disregard our reality and what we've been through.

  5. Definitely be sure to carve out some time for yourself! -- I think we've all earned that! ;) We often spend these days hiding out at the movies ,and I think we might do that again this year. ;) I've been doing OK so far, but as the week goes on, the drumbeat gets louder... and then there's always all the photos, etc., on social media that day. :p It will all be over soon... (won't it?).

  6. Oh man, that's a lot to juggle. I hope you can carve that time out for yourself, and celebrate your husband on his actual birthday. Maybe you can spend some of the day with his mom and save the rest for you? Host a brunch or visit her, but only for a couple hours? Iceland on Mother's Day must have been awesome. I've been batting around M-Day posts myself, and it's just such a tough day. How to honor your own mother and the mothers in your life, but also honor the loss shoved in your face that this is a day that will never, ever celebrate you. I feel like maybe we could come up with a holiday for Not-Mothers, to celebrate those who live without the children they so wanted and deserve a freaking day, too. Sigh. I didn't know what Cristy said, that it was meant to honor a mom who had experienced losses, and I love Bent Not Broken's idea for a Tribe Skype! Count me in if that happens!

  7. I like your plan to be real on this day. To be present with your MIL, to celebrate your husband, and to honor your own journey. It's inspiring, how you make the day your own, despite what the world may ask of you.

  8. Dearest Mali, you are one of the women I was thinking of this year. It seems like the whole 'mothers day' has become something of a roadshow that's impossible to avoid, no matter what continent you live on - ours was back in March and I know there would have been triggers for you on social media back then as there have been for me in May on the same 'arghhh' media too.
    We deserve it to ourselves to create our own things to keep us sane in a world where it seems to be ever increasingly difficult to not be a part of this 'joining in' nonsense.
    I was always a bit of a rebel so I enjoy not being part of the status quo and I hope you also enjoyed this too (although I know we would have given our all to be able to partake).
    Much love xxxx

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