06 August, 2018

No Kidding Equilibrium Disturbed

I’ve often written about one of the key behaviours that helped me heal, that keeps me at a healthy equilibrium, and allows me to look forward not back. And that is refusing to allow myself to think about the what-ifs, never imagining the details of the child or children we never had, those babies we lost who would (this is always dangerous, but because of this policy I always have to stop to calculate this) by now be 16 and 15 respectively, as this would simply be an exercise of self-flagellation.

I’m watching the TV show Counterpart, which is set in two alternative versions of our world, where versions of each person exist in both, but with subtle differences. <Warning: SPOILER ALERT> The lead character in one world lost a baby to miscarriage, and never had children, and in the other world, the counterpart character had that baby (and its name was the same as that chosen for the miscarried baby in the other world). The childless character discovers this, and understandably has an overwhelming urge to get to know the now grown-up baby.

It is hard to watch this and not wonder about a 16-year-old girl or 15-year-old boy (or vice versa), to wonder what their personalities and interests and talents and flaws would have been. I try not to, but it is hard, and after so many years of resisting this temptation, it is unexpected too.

I’m pretty confident that I’m not going to fully fall prey to the temptations, because – unlike on Counterpart – there is not and will never be a real person to see as the embodiment of my child, but … still …


  1. Those are some really heavy thoughts, applicable also to people parenting by adoption.

    Adding Counterpart to my very long queue of series to watch.

    Yours sounds like a sound policy.

    1. You're right - it's applicable to anyone who has experienced loss.

  2. Damn that's hard. I can see why you have your policy and why not going down those rabbit holes allows for healing.

    Damn though. Damn, damn, damn.

  3. Never heard of that show, but it sounds fascinating!

  4. I think it can be a bad idea to wander down the road of "what ifs" too much. That show sounds interesting though.

  5. Oh, hugs sent through the web to you, big and squeezy and long. It sounds like an interesting show, but also one that triggered an unexpected response. The "what if" is the worst part of it all, I feel, because it can take you down a spiral and there is nothing you can do to change that. It reminds me of a YA book I read earlier in the summer, Pivot Point, where a girl with brain powers has the gift of being able to see down each possible road in any decision she has to make. She can't do it for others, but she can see how things would have turned out differently given choices and then make a decision based on the outcome. I actually didn't think of it through an infertile, childless lens before, but now you've made me think. But not too much, because... rabbit hole of doom.

    Sending you love and thinking I'll skip that show. :)