03 March, 2020

No Kidding 2020 Project: Day 6 - Forgive

There’s often a lot of self-blame and guilt around infertility or childlessness. We blame ourselves for not finding a partner, or not trying for children earlier, or for having bodies that don’t do what we want them to do. But these issues are not blame-worthy. We live our lives trying to make the best decisions with the information we have at hand, or with the capabilities we have at the time..

Whilst the information I had when I decided to wait to try to have a child may have been flawed (it was), my intentions weren’t. I didn’t want to have a child until I was ready, not for selfish reasons, but because I felt it wouldn’t be fair to a child to have them before that. I don’t know if trying earlier would have made a difference. But I do know there’s no point in self-recriminations, or in feeling guilty. Likewise, I do not and never have hated my body, even though it could not seem to get a fertilised egg to my uterus successfully. I forgive it. I forgive myself for the decisions I made. I forgive my husband for his decisions too. We all did our best. It just didn’t get us what we wanted. 

Forgiving ourselves is one of the most important things we can do to help our recovery. It enables us to begin to look forward, to feel joy, and to love ourselves. I've written about this before here. It helps us get over new things that might haunt us too.

And because it is important, it is my message again today:
  • Forgive yourself.
  • Forgive your body (or your partner’s body) for not being able to have children. It wasn’t your fault, it wasn't a punishment, it wasn't a short-coming. It simply was, as much as the colour of your hair, or whether or not you wear glasses, or how athletic you are, part of who you are.
  • Forgive yourself, and let go of the blame.
  • Frgive yourself for waiting, for whatever reason.
  • Forgive yourself for your financial limitations.
  • Forgive yourself for recognising your emotional limits.
  • Forgive yourself for not going to the ends of the earth.
  • Forgive yourself for recognising that your sanity is important.
  • Forgive yourself for recognising that your relationship(s) is(are) important.
  • Forgive yourself.


6 comments:

  1. Oh, I need to hear this today. Thank you. Those what-ifs and navelgazing moments are killer.

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  2. Good post. I'm also of the school of thought that there’s no point in self-recriminations or in feeling guilty, or constantly blaming. It's futile and will suck the joy out of life

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  3. "We all did our best. It just didn’t get us what we wanted."

    Yeah, this is a sucky truth that nevertheless can bring peace if accepted.

    Another way I find helpful to deal with guilt or self-blame is "You are not a slave."

    It is not right for another person to force us to use our bodies or time to fulfill their desires or needs. And by the same token, it's not right for us to do that to ourselves, either, although that might seem less obvious. I am not a slave to my desires, nor should I ruin my body or mind forcing it to do something. It can be hard to find a way to articulate this concept when we value individuality and personal choice to so highly. But like all ways of looking at the world it has its limitations.

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  4. Such a great list. And could be modified for other situations, too.

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