Yael Wolfe posed this question in her recent piece about Why Childless Women Inspire Superstitious Sentiment. "What if there isn't a plan?" Perhaps because I don't come from a religious background, and I'm not surrounded by religious people or even in a religious society, as I mentioned back in World Childless Week, I don't think about "God's Plan" or believe that there is one. But as I wrote then, the "it wasn't meant to be" sentiment is still strong. Yael Wolfe's articles echoes a lot of the sentiments in my post, but was perhaps kinder to people who say these things than I was! It's worth reading. Or see Loribeth's excellent synopsis and selected quotes here.
I highlight it again here because the idea that there is no plan, and that everything is random, does not worry me as Wolfe concludes it worries so many others who just want certainty in their lives. When I accepted that everything was random, that nothing "happens for a reason" it was a moment of true relief and a lifting of the burden of guilt. Because I did feel guilt that I must have done something wrong to not be able to have children, an accomplishment that so many others - less deserving others as I know now - manage, or perhaps have imposed on them against their will.
Realising that that guilt was so misplaced, and dispensing with it, gave me a freedom and lightness and yes, uncertainty, that I would always take over the assurance that everything happened to me for a reason. It is so much easier to show compassion to myself and acceptance of others, to try not to judge, and to be the best that I can be within my power and circumstances. Uncertainty and randomness has taught me gratitude, mindfulness, and appreciation for the little things (as well as the big). It has helped me stop worrying as much about future events. It has stopped me focusing on the what-ifs, because that is so pointless, and given me a clarity that has made life better, and easier.
Embrace the uncertainty! It will set you free.
I experienced this with my dad’s accident. People could not handle hearing how it happened - they kept trying to find some way to make it at least partly his fault, because if it was truly completely random it destroyed their view of the universe where good things happen to good people and they deserve it.
ReplyDeleteThat's horrible that they were blaming your father. I'm sorry you went through that!
DeletePerfect timing. I needed this reminder. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteDear Mali,
ReplyDeleteit took me quite a while to realize that it wasn't my fault, that it wasn't the grand plan, or that there was a higher reason that I had to remain childless. Rationally, I knew that all along; but to accept or understand it emotionally took time. Too much guilt, too many attempts to understand. Yes, it was a relief to actually feel it was a coincidence.
Funny, when that feeling came up in me, I also got back the certainty that no matter what happens, my life will be a good one. I know it's a bit of a paradox, on the one hand to assume that everything in the world is coincidence and there is no higher plan, and on the other hand to have this certainty that my life will be good no matter what happens. But it takes pressure off and frees my mind and heart.
Lilly
Lilly, that does my heart good to read this. (((Hugs)))
DeleteI am grappling with the idea of some divine plan right now, as well. Having to do with losing a child downstream of conceiving and delivering a child, but similar nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteWhat I see is people really wanting -- needing -- to find meaning in their suffering. I'm wondering if there really isn't any. I mean, beyond the meaning we make within ourselves. But how do you make a nonsensical story make sense?
Lots to think about.
Oh my gosh, that last paragraph. So powerful. I have always struggled with uncertainty, but embracing it sure does come with freedom. I am increasingly able to let go of what-ifs, or to acknowledge them when they pop up and then whisk them out of my mental space. I do not believe that "everything happens for a reason" or that there is some cosmic plan. Good things happen to bad people. Bad things happen to good people. We do not visit these things upon ourselves. I think having left organized religion before infertility really helped me to not struggle with guilt or feelings that somehow it was destined that we didn't have children. It's a message we hear a lot, but your post and your philosophy are great combatants!
ReplyDelete