16 January, 2023

Realities of No Kidding childlessness

I have a good friend here who has no kids. We socialise together quite a bit, and it is a relief to go out with her and her partner, and not feel we have to deal with the kid issue. That said, I'm interested in the kids of most of my friends, and like hearing about their adventures, as they've almost all left home, or at least are finding some independence. That's a freedom of age, when our friends and family who have children once again have time (and inclination) to focus on something other than their offspring. But I acknowledge too that I'm very lucky, and all of my friends have always been able to focus on the wider world, as well as their children. 

Still, there is something about socialising with other No Kidding people that brings a quiet understanding. However, not all No Kidding people are the same. We like talking about our siblings' (and in-laws') children, and their children. But my friend's family lives mostly in the same city. I've met some of them, been to plays and dinner together, and have celebrated when they've achieved milestones. I popped over to her house before Christmas and the kids were showing me the gingerbread houses they had just made with my friend, a family tradition she has been doing with her relatives that is now in its second generation. Her wider family is very close, and she is an integral part of that. She won't be moving any further than the beach.

I don't have that. I have one adult niece who still lives in New Zealand. All the others, on both my side and the Husband's side of the family, live overseas. I have one teenage niece and one adult great-nephew in the country. That's it.  So our present, in terms of relationships with children, look very different, and a lot lonelier. As do our futures, despite the fact that we are all childless.

Too often, you'll hear people suggest that we volunteer with children to fill the gaps in our lives. But this doesn't work. I'm not someone who could work with children, I have no skills to do that, and I'm not sure it would be good for them, or me! I wanted kids, but I didn't want to work with them! Besides, it doesn't necessarily create lasting relationships.So my involvement with children is and has always been very limited. And because of geography, it will continue to be limited. I can deal with that. But from time to time, it is a painful reminder.

I know I am not alone, that many of you may not have siblings, or other children that you live close to and have relationships with. There are no simple solutions. No real solutions to this at all. It's just a fact that reminds me of my situation occasionally. It reminds me that, as a result, I have greater independence to choose what my life will look like, but that independence has both benefits and burdens. We have the freedom to choose where and how we might spend the rest of our lives, and there is no obligation to stay close to family (or no feelings of rejection if we choose to move). But we also know that our choices are the only ones we will have to live with, that we will have to choose what our ''old old age" will look like, and we have to cope with whatever life throws at us on our own. Just another reminder that I can't stick my head in the sand and pretend everything will be okay. But I can plan to make it that way.

5 comments:

  1. Volunteering has many limitations. It's not the cure-all that others prescribe.

    None of my family lives near each other. I was the last one to move and 1) nobody lived where I wanted to live and 2) nobody lived near each other in a central location. So I picked where I wanted to live and will go visit everyone where they are and welcome them where I am.

    Currently, I'm hoping to age where I am. That's why I'm doing all the needed repairs (eventually!) to this old house--so it will serve me well when I am elderly. You're right. We have to think about these things differently than people with kids or who have family around.

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  2. I agree with you & Phoenix that volunteering (and volunteering with kids specifically) is not a cure-all; it's not for everyone. And more & more families I know are (a) getting smaller and (b) living farther away from each other, making it harder to rely on family members for help, even if you do have kids. Just thinking about my own family -- my dad had five siblings and three half-siblings, and I had 30+ cousins on that side. Whereas I have one sister, dh has one brother. Our nephews have just one (living) cousin, and Little Great-Nephew will probably just have one cousin too. And that's not unusual these days!

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  3. I so agree with you, Mali, that not all of us with no children live cookie-cutter lives or operate in lock step. Good to remind that we can't be easily pigeon-holed. We're multi-dimensional, diverse and enjoy and relate to experiences, people and the various curve balls life throws at us in our own unique ways. We may share one thing in common (not parenting or grandparenting), but that doesn't mean we speak with one voice. In fact, it's our different flavors that I continue to find interesting!

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  4. I'm in a child desert as well. My sister married a man with two teenage boys, and now they are in their mid-twenties and early thirties. Bryce is an only child. All my cousins live elsewhere and have lives very, very different from mine. I do enjoy my friends' kids, but I don't have "family children" as a part of my life. I do work with kids, but that's a choice I made not based on my childlessness. It's definitely not for everyone! :) It is interesting to think about cultivating deeper relationships with family or family friends to think forward to when we're older. I agree that we're all different, and we may have different support systems or different ways of planning for later as there isn't necessarily support built in (regardless, really).

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  5. We have a combination of childless and friends with kids groups. My brother and SIL don’t have kids yet and may or may not end up having kids. Though they live only an hour and 15 minutes away we only see them a few times a year. There are a few additional times that my brother and I attend a baseball game together. My college friends all have kids and though we usually get together once a year we remain in contact throughout the year. Locally we have other groups of friends some with kids and others who don’t. I have no idea how things are going to look in the future especially with the likely chance that we move within the next year closer to my wife’s job. Just kinda winging it and seeing what happens as far as that future support system as we age.

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