Warning: This brings up disturbing issues
I’m listening to coverage of a trial of a woman who killed her three children in a city I know well. She and her family had immigrated to New Zealand only weeks beforehand. She had apparently suffered post-natal depression, and had gone through sixteen IVF procedures to have her daughter, and then four years later twin daughters. She was under severe stress, and apparently texted friends and family regularly about wanting to kill her kids. People dismissed it and thought she was joking. Because they knew she loved her children.
I feel for this woman. Sixteen IVF procedures, with only two successes, would have put enormous physical and emotional and financial stress on her and her husband. She would then have felt enormous pressure to feel grateful, and not complain. Sixteen IVFs! I can’t get over that number, that a clinic would allow her to go through sixteen IVF procedures. That she might not have been given support. Her life is now ruined. Her children are dead. Her husband is back in his homeland. I can only despair for her.
It shows me once again that none of us know what anyone else’s life is like. It may look like the perfect outcome to an infertility survivor – three beautiful daughters after years of infertility. But there is always so much going on. Just as someone going through infertility might look at my life, and decide I have nothing. When I have so much.
It also reconfirms for me that none of this is about worth, about deserving to have children or not. Becoming a mother is a joy to some, a nightmare to others. None of us know what life might have been like for us if we had had children, how we might have responded to stress, whether our children would have been easy or hard, whether we would have coped, or not. Likewise, not being able to be a parent is indeed a loss, but it can also open the world to other opportunities and joys. The grass is not always greener on the other side. All any of us can do is focus on what we have, seek help when we need it, and give help to others. And above all, I think, we can try not to judge others, so they won’t judge us.
What a tragedy! I am at loss for words.
ReplyDeleteSixteen rounds of IVF sound incredible. I hope that this case will raise awareness about the toll that infertility treatment can take. Many people still believe that you can just stroll into a clinic and automatically walk out again with a baby in your arms. Also, I am aware that having twins can be extremely stressful. The story of a former friend who got three children through IVF, including twins, taught me that getting what you want doesn't always mean that you will be happy. In her case she just had new/different problems. That was a very valuable lesson for me!
The grass definitely isn't always greener. But it took me a while to see that.
Oh God, what a horrible story. Those poor children and that poor broken woman.
ReplyDeleteSixteen IVF cycles?! I can't imagine. We all know fertility clinics are run for profit, but that sounds like a new level of cynical.
Oh wow, how horribly heartbreaking. Everything about it.
ReplyDeleteSixteen IVFs sounds predatory.
Also, she was texting people? We need to believe people when they tell us things. Ask if they're serious. Direct them to help or resources or tell someone else.
That is so, so awful. I think it speaks so much to how people view motherhood, too -- that she is saying I WANT TO KILL MY CHILDREN, and everyone's like "oh, no, you don't. You're such a good mother." I love your empathy though. I feel like when people do terrible things, it's a rare sort of serial killer situation where there's not something behind it. To see the pressure she was under and the horror of her life now that she did literally what she told people she was going to do if they didn't stop her... it's so much.
ReplyDeleteHaving done 13 IVF cycles, I can relate. I think if I'd had success in there there's the possibility I could have done more, but my god it's too much on your body and your mind. I feel like there are so many situations where clinics are willing to just keep going and going. Honestly when my 13th cycle couldn't get to transfer, they were like "when do you want to come in for baseline?" Ugh. It's literally no end point unless you pull the plug or run out of money.
My heart aches. So. much. pain for this woman and those who love her. But I so resonate with the Tao-ness of your post, the wholeness beyond the binary pieces of what is "good" and "bad."
ReplyDeleteI adore this: "someone going through infertility might look at my life, and decide I have nothing. When I have so much." And this: "not being able to be a parent is indeed a loss, but it can also open the world to other opportunities and joys."
16 IVFs??!! OMG. Three kids, including twins? And recently emigrated to a new country (where she probably didn't know anyone, no support systems, and possibly didn't even speak the language)? That poor woman. What an awful story all round. But what wise commentary from you too. Well said, Mali!
ReplyDeleteYour honesty and vulnerability in sharing your experiences are both relatable and reassuring to those who may have similar feelings or experiences. How do you navigate conversations with others who might not understand or respect your decision to be "childless by choice"? Tel U
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