18 September, 2023

Monday Miscellany: Tribes, and Recovery

I just found something that made me happy. The first ever comment from Loribeth, on my blog A Separate Life, back in early October 2010, before I even started No Kidding in NZ here. Thanks, Loribeth! She mentioned finding me on Pamela's blog, which was the first one I found. Thirteen years ago. It feels like ancient history now, I've been writing here so long! And I was already almost seven years into my No Kidding life. Yet I felt the need to write about the subject. My post that Loribeth commented on was about intolerance - including in the No Kidding communities. So a month or so later, I started No Kidding in NZ. I felt that I still needed support, and knew that I could also give support. I wanted to find my tribe. And I did. You!

I had drinks and dinner recently with an old friend. She was telling me about a friend of hers who was struggling with her split from her husband. My friend has been through this too. She pointed out that the loss and recovery - effectively the grief process - lasts so much longer than people think. It took her about five years, she estimated, probably prolonged due to the behaviour of her ex. But it was a longer process than she had expected, or that others really realised.

It reminded me of going through my ectopics. Everyone thought I'd be over it in a few weeks. Then there was the permanent transition from infertility to childlessness that was a loss and grief that wasn't even recognised by most. It took me a couple of years to work through that intense loss, and longer to start to feel like me again. Of course, there were lots of good moments during that time, as gradually I felt better and better, came to acceptance and understanding, learned resilience and coping methods. But it is a process, and like that of my friend, and her friend, and as I did, each year you'll notice you recover sooner, bounce back more easily, and learn to live with yourself. Becoming resilient. Embracing and celebrating as you go along.


  1. Oh wow, that's amazing that you found that!! So glad you were inspired to start this blog shortly afterwards! :)

    It's been fun seeing some of my comments on the old posts that Mel's been reposting recently too. A lot of once-familiar names in there too that have gone sadly silent in recent years. :( Glad you (and she!) are both still around!

  2. That is such a fun time machine moment! Oh, yes, to grief not being a predictable or linear process. But also yes to growing resilience, too!

  3. Your last paragraph is really helpful to me in light of the recent loss experienced by someone close to me. This lengthy process, even in a person who already has displayed resilience, is years, not months.