I have discovered I love Carolyn Hax. She’s an advice columnist at The Washington Post, and I would never have heard of her if it hadn’t been for Mel at Stirrup Queens quoting her from time to time. I now have a subscription for the online Post, and part of the reason is her! She is so unerringly sensible, kind but direct. And sometimes really funny.
The other day I saw an old question reposted, and in her response she said something that I’ve tried to say here too. Someone was worried that by expressing their true wishes they'd offend a friend. Her answer was a classic:
“The sooner you learn that “direct” and “mean” are not synonymous, the better for your entire relationship future.”
I’ve often worried that same thing, when I have felt under attack
simply for mentioning that my reality is different from another person's. I’ve seen a lot of people (on blogs and in messageboards) over the years worry that by speaking up
for themselves they are being rude or unkind. No! We can be tactfully direct, eg
by saying “those of us without children might see things differently/have to do
things differently,” without ever being rude. Talking about our reality is not
rude, or mean. It’s simply being truthful.
I know I’m repeating myself. But the older I get, the more I believe this. Don't get me wrong, I'm someone who hates conflict, and likes to smooth waters. But these days, I no longer feel the need to subjugate my truth and feelings for the mistaken perception that by speaking my truth I might upset someone else.
Other posts in this vein of thought can be found by clicking here and, with a lot of overlap, here.
I'll repost this image reminding us we can be honest and true to ourselves, and still be a kind person:
I was also introduced to Carolyn Hax through Mel :) and I think she's probably the best advice columnist out there right now. And I agree that it's quite possible to stand our ground and speak our truth without being rude. Great post!
ReplyDeleteYessss! Being direct does not mean being mean! And direct is a gift that I am more able to employ the older I get, haha. I enjoy Carolyn Hax as well, and ALSO was introduced by Mel!
ReplyDeleteI think I'm usually a very patient communicator, but I do get direct when I've had enough of a particular situation. Ha.
ReplyDeleteI think what's most important to me though is being direct and honest with myself. My dad was very good at analyzing situations with brutal honesty. I can also do that. I try not to apply it to other people so much because I don't know other people and can easily mis-judge. But I can and do use that skill on my life.
The flip side of course is also having patience when people are "direct/not mean" with us. (Or what they *think* is "direct/not mean"...perceptions vary.) I have a wise friend who has cultivated a practice of not taking offense, always assuming the best and trying to understand the other's perspective. This includes when people are rude to her. She is not trying to be "nice."(this is an very tough individual, ex-military, working class background, plenty of experience with conflict in all senses of the word) She has a very deliberate strategy for de-escalating conflict. She shares her experiences and successes and it's very interesting. Not something I am achieving just yet, but thought provoking.
Yes, what a former military person might call de-escalating, a former diplomat (me) and middle child might call diplomacy! lol I've worked with a lot of different cultures, and find that rarely are they intending to be mean. I was asked, "why so fat?" after meeting someone I hadn't seen in 20 years. I just shrugged it off, because that is just part of the culture.
DeleteWe are all the founding members of the Carolyn Hax fan club. I save the best columns that give you the perfect way to be direct and how to phrase things so you're not misunderstood.
ReplyDeleteThanks for introducing us, Mel! lol Good idea to save things.
DeleteCount me as another one who was introduced to CH by Mel.
ReplyDeleteI love the point both you and Carolyn make. The older I get, the more true it rings. I've even come to believe that being authentic IS being kind -- in all the ways your image suggests. There is an unkindness in inauthenticity. The firmer we are rooted in ourselves, the less meanness we even have in us. That's my working theory, anyway.