Getting through, staying whole, and thriving

I found a quote the other day which I liked, and in following up who had said it originally, I went down a rabbit-hole of wonderful quotes, and spent an hour being inspired. The quote I was looking for was from the wonderful Maya Angelou, and when I found that, I found some of her other words that also apply to those of us who wanted to have children, however late in the piece, but who were unable to become parents. In fact, they take us through the gamut from that intial shock and grief, to finding ourselves, and emerging feeling strong and victorious.

“The only way out of something is all the way through it.” - Maya Angelou

Oh, this is so true! When I had my second ectopic pregnancy, I thought I knew all about ectopics. I thought I could get through the sadness and loss more quickly as a result, or even skip it. I was wrong.

“You may not control all the events that happen to you,
but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” 

I love this. It’s how so many of us feel about not having children. We wanted them. We have suffered loss, and we will continue to suffer loss. But we are not less because of that. We are not reduced. We are just changed from the people we were, or thought we were. In fact, in many ways we are stronger and better.

And finally, she said,

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”

I’m still looking for the style, but otherwise, my life is exactly this. I can’t think of a better way to come out of infertility, and into a new, No Kidding life, with this as your mission in life.

 

 PS. I was thriving when I took this photo of water lilies on the Chobe River in Botswana last year.

 

Looking back on the blog: 2023

This week seems to be my week of reviewing 2023. It feels a bit weird, because I’m actively looking forward to 2024, I’m enjoying the arrival of summer (a fan on behind me, windows open all over the house, bright blue sky and sunshine, pohutukawa in bloom all over my suburb) and I’m full of enthusiasm for new projects this year. (I hope it lasts!)

So, back to the blog. I wrote 57 posts here in 2023, a few more than the last couple of years, but really I’m staying stable, which is at least encouraging, in my 14^th year of blogging here. I like to review my blog for the year, so here goes looking at some recurring themes:

So, back to the blog. I wrote 55 posts in 2022, a few more than 2021, but still fewer than 2020. There is still food for thought, but as I joked to a fellow blogger the other day, I am not afraid of repetition! But as I review my blogs from the year, as usual I see some themes. I don’t think I’ll list the posts I talk about here. Because I know that different people might take different things from them, especially as many posts started off with a grumble, then finished with a positive, or vice versa.

Speaking of grumbles, I do feel as if I grumbled a lot more in 2023 than I did in previous years. I wrote at least eight posts specifically about grumbles, or perhaps with acknowledgement of losses. 2023 was a year marking a lot of losses, a 20^th anniversary of loss, would-have-been 20^th birthdays, etc. And I just didn’t feel that great. And I decided that it was worth pointing out that even 20 years later, in a life that no longer focuses on childlessness, there are still ouch moments, times when it all comes back to me, times when I feel the losses.

That said, I also wrote eight posts about simply living my life, and enjoying it, embracing it. Posts about choosing our lives, being No Kidding and Happy, came easily to me in 2023 too. How about that for symmetry?

And the majority of my posts were about finding perspective, healing, and finding strength and compassion. Sometimes externally, but usually from the hard-won knowledge that comes from experiencing something first hand. My favourite post of the year was in this theme, and ended with the line, “I might have lost my blissful ignorance, but I have not lost my bliss.” Transformation from Trauma lays out how loss and infertility has changed me, made me more aware of my frailty, but also more confident in my strength. Like many of my posts, it was inspired by another blogger. Thanks for the inspiration, Jess!

I am constantly amazed and delighted to find so much wisdom in the comments of my posts - as I do every year. I am so lucky to have wise and compassionate readers, and I am so lucky that you are all still visiting, adding your perspectives, reminding me of the "BothAnd" (thanks, LLL!), putting alternatives.

Which once again brings me to the fact that the first week of January is blog delurking week. Yes, I know I’m late. But do leave a quick hello in the comments (I’m fine with anonymous comments if you’re shy) or send a quick email to me at nokiddinginnz at gmail dot com. I'd love to know who else is reading here.

And whether you comment or not, whether you’re a long time reader or have just stumbled across me for the first time, I wish you all a safe and happy 2024!

Note: This is an annual nod to Mel, who used to run the Crème de la Crème, where we would list our favourite post of the year. It always provided inspiring reading. So even though it doesn’t happen officially now, I hope that you too will list your favourite posts from your own blogs, on your blogs, for us to enjoy again (or for the first time).