Adapting to change

I’ve been thinking about resilience and adapting to change recently, and was chatting to my husband about it. We agreed that many people struggle to adapt to change – his parents did, for example. He laughed, and pointed out how much it annoys us when the supermarket changes its layout, or drops some of our favourite things. “That’s just irritating,” I said.  Infuriating, even, I will admit to you now! But it doesn’t make me afraid, in the way I see that change makes some people afraid.

Adapting to change is really hard. Covid was scary enough, and there are changes all over the world right now, both positive and negative, that has various groups reeling at the thought of it. Change can be good, or it can be bad, on individual or societal levels. When I think of my own personal situation, most change I have adapted to in my life has been positive, even if it was very scary at times. I’m thinking about the changes and opportunities as a result of second wave feminism, my student exchange, and the various career opportunities that have come my way. Even then, I slowly adapted to the idea that having children would be a good idea. And I wholeheartedly embraced it.

Until, of course, I had to adapt to the idea that a) I was infertile, and b) I would remain childless throughout my life. That change was a huge adjustment. Even though, for much of my adult life up to then, I had not been affected by the fact I did not yet have children, I had assumed I could have them if I wanted to do so. Equally, I had not contemplated my life without them.

Adjusting to that change was hard. Hard, because it involved a number of issues around self-confidence, including feelings of being unworthy and of guilt, as well as the external reactions of others – judgement, isolation from society’s mainstream, condescension, etc. It required not just an adjustment to the idea of my place in society, but an adjustment in how I saw myself. Ultimately, though, learning to change the way I saw myself and society and my life was what helped me to be able to embrace the life I have. I learned to appreciate my life, and to be grateful for what I have.

I look at people who can’t adjust to changes in their lives. Whether it is the white man who feels his status in life is threatened, or those who can never pull out of the grief of not getting what they had always wanted, or those who can’t adjust to inevitable changes, there are plenty of examples of people who are change resistant. My father-in-law, for example, struggled with getting old, grieving the years of fitness that he had lost decades earlier, rather than feeling grateful for what he still had (eg a brain that still functioned, family, his wife, relative longevity, etc).

Frankly, I pity them. Because the one thing I’ve learned about my own resilience is that fighting against change is painful. It hurts to always want something that we know we’ll never have. In comparison, learning to be grateful for what we have, looking forward to what we know is achievable, and finding joy in the moment all feel so much better than an impossible yearning. Isn’t that the key to living a better life, to enjoying ourselves, to being compassionate and understanding?

 

Repetition

When we are children, we learn by mimicking others, and by repetition.  I remember first studying languages - mimicking, and repetition were the keys, along with understand why sentences were constructed the way they were, or why things meant what they did. I still love that, and I've just started teaching myself - with online assistance - another language. Repetition is the key.

I was thinking about my post last week. Nothing I wrote there was new on this blog, except for the way it was expressed and packaged. The messages were the same I've been giving for years. This was not the first time I've repeated messages, or even whole posts. I felt a little embarrassed - am I all out of ideas? 

But then I thought about the value of repetition.When I was adjusting to the fact that the rest of my life I would not have children, I knew only a few people who had entered the No Kidding world before me. I knew I didn't want to be like the person who was still stuck mourning her losses, decades later. A kind woman I had known 10-15 years earlier who lived a good life was an inspiration, as was another friend who was blissfully free of the self-recrimination I felt. 

Mimicking the aspects of their behaviour and attitudes helped me learn more about myself, understand who I was, and what I wanted. Other discoveries - for example, learning that I could change the way I thought - were also beneficial, but only after repeating these lessons to myself over and again. It's how I learned to put the past behind me, and embrace the life ahead of me. It's also how I remind myself regularly of lessons that are worth holding close.

Repetition. It gets a bad rap. I'll keep doing it. Unashamedly.

Thinking positively: A Guide

A decade ago, I made a note in my blogging drafts folder of a series of posts written by Hope at A Crack in Everything (still online, but not added to since 2015) that talked about an “encouragement card” issued by an IVF clinic, in an attempt to ease the stress felt by those undergoing the process. The card was inspired by a study showing that positive thinking helps relieve stress, and its ten points basically said, “think positively.” Not bad advice, but not terribly helpful. Do read all three posts. They’re really wonderful. And I hope that Hope is doing well, wherever she is.

She included a great list of things that would have helped her at the time, and at the end of the posts, she asked, “What would be on your personal encouragement card?”

It's taken ten years, but I’m finally getting around to writing about this. All these years later, I’m not thinking about the IVF process, of course, but rather the life that came after. I guess my whole blog has been a personal encouragement card. It reflects what helped me, and what I say to myself to keep going, regardless of the situation that has got me down. These messages both apply to No Kidding situations, but also to many other life experiences too. And although I completely agree that thinking positively helps me enjoy life, feel compassion, and feel fulfilled, we sometimes need a guideline on how to get there.

So my personal encouragement card would include the following:

1. You’re allowed to feel crappy. Let yourself. Forgive yourself for this too.
2. But you won’t feel like this forever. Know that it is true, until you can come to actually feel it and believe it. You will be okay.
3. You’re also allowed to feel good. Smile. Laugh. Feel bliss. It’s not a betrayal. It helps. And anything that helps is worth it. 
4. Try some mindfulness, consciously enjoying the little things of life. Good music, something funny, a good cup of coffee or tea, the sun on your face, good food, a hug from a friend, a warm bath or hot shower, etc. Fleeting feelings of comfort or joy is a great start, and can grow into a practice.
5. When you are ready, let yourself think about what might be the positives in your life. You’ll need to teach yourself – or maybe even force yourself, at first – to look for them though. Trust me – they will be there. There is a positive side. 
6. When you’ve found it or them, let yourself enjoy the positive side.
7. Remember that just because you enjoy on the positives, it doesn’t mean you deserved this, or brought it on yourself. There’s nothing to feel guilty about. This life may not be what you planned. But it yours. The positives are there, they’re real, and it would be a waste to ignore them.
8. Learn to challenge the negative voices – your own, and others. Once you’ve disputed them, don’t let them back in.
9. Love yourself, and feel compassion for yourself. Give yourself comfort. Stop beating yourself up. It helps more than you can imagine. 
10. Know you are enough. You will come to believe this.

What would be on your personal encouragement card?

 

Monday Miscellany: Another No Kidding Version

• I was chatting with an old friend yesterday (just to clarify, she is one I’ve known for 44 years, not an OLD friend, even though we are of course, both getting older), and mentioned I needed to write a post for this blog. She is also living a No Kidding life. She commented that for years, people would try to convince her to have children. That she needed to have kids so she would have someone to look after her in her old age. Aside from the obvious, that this is no guarantee of having care, she noted that this attitude is completely selfish. I totally agree. I’ve seen it in practice. There wasn’t always a lot of gratitude, the reliance on the children made the elderly feel very vulnerable. Whereas if plans had been made, and put into action, they would have actually had more control over their lives in their last years. Another reminder to us all.

• I’m again thinking about the carbon emissions of travel. We tend to go on longer trips, so that we have fewer long haul flights. I was thinking about Taylor Swift flying back and forth from Japan to see her boyfriend play some apparently-important game in the US. Then I thought of a family of teenagers and adults I know that is flying for four hours to Melbourne to see Taylor Swift’s concert. Then they fly home after only a day or two. It made me feel – if not wholesome, then at least much less guilty about international travel. Having children really does massively increase a person’s carbon footprint.

• So it’s getting real. I mentioned a while ago I have an essay included in an anthology that is coming out this year, called Otherhood. In fact, it’s just in a few months, in early May. Here’s a totally permitted sneak peek at the cover. I’ll give more information then, but I know they're publishing in paper and ebooks. There's an insta page - https://www.instagram.com/otherhood.book/ and I'm quoted in their first post there. It can also be found on Goodreads too, to add it to your to-read list.
  
  
• I love the blurb on the back. It encompasses us all, and emphasises the need for "a more inclusive conversation about what makes a fulfilling life."
  

 

 

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