22 May, 2017

Healing and my Personality

I was thinking the other day about how our individual personalities affect how we heal after infertility, how they can both help and hinder us in the process, and came up with this preliminary list of my own helpful and unhelpful personality traits:
  • I don’t like failing.
  • I don’t like the feeling that I’m missing out.
  • I worry too much about what other people think.
  • I hadn’t spent my whole life wanting only to be a mother.
  • I never thought “things happen for a reason.”
  • I have always had strong feminist tendencies, and so have never defined women by their biology.
  • I was older, so was already learning to accept that I am the one who chooses what matters to me.
  • I am pragmatic, and so didn‘t (always) fall for society’s messages I was hearing.
I’d love to see your lists too - here in the comments, or on your blogs linked back here.


  1. We have similar lists. Though I had to unlearn the "things happen for a reason" mantra

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  3. Good writing idea! I liked reading your list!! I wrote my initial thoughts here: https://infertilephoenix.blogspot.com/2017/05/helpinghindering-our-healing.html

  4. That is so true and why one-size-fits-all advice falls flat. We each come into problem solving with a different set of strengths and weaknesses.

  5. Great list. I certainly believe that being a feminist helped me, in that I strongly believed, long before I had to deal with stillbirth & infertility, that I was more than my uterus, and that I did not NEED to be a mother to have a fulfilling life. I certainly wanted and expected to be a mother & I was devastated when that didn't work out -- but it was not the only thing I knew I wanted to do with my life.

  6. My list: :)


  7. I like this. Seems I have some self reflecting to do.......:-).

  8. Hi there, I am a bit late to this post but it inspired me to write something. I am not sure where I'm at with my fertility journey. I just know that I have felt a dearth of stories on infertility that end with -
    "so we didn't ever have kids and we're ok..." so many fertility stories seem to end in... "and then, finally, we had the baby". I obviously do not know whether it will work out for me. So I can't say I am reflecting on this from the position of "healed", but I guess this is a reflection on my personality and the aspects of it that impact on my coping with infertility
    - I am pretty laid back and don't particularly make life plans. I just flow with it. I think this is why it took me 7 years of trying naturally before I even thought even think to go to a fertility specialist!
    - (I feel kind of stupid at this point for being so laid back!)
    - I have always assumed that I'd be a mum one day, and a really good one.
    - I really don't think I ask for much, so when I actually really want something I expect that it will work for me. Rude shock when it doesn't.
    - I am grateful for the fact that I had a mum who said to me that she loved motherhood but assured me that I would be ok if I did not have kids. So I have always believed that not having kids is ok.
    - I do things my own way and I think as a result people don't ask me too many annoying questions about how I live my life or make any assumptions that I will do things in a conventional way. Well maybe they do but if so, I don't notice or take it to heart.
    - Like Mali I do not believe "things happen for a reason"... but... I do think I *used* to have an idea that life was fair- e.g. that you try hard enough and you'll get what you want....
    - I'm very private
    - I believe that things will work out somehow
    - I can accept and cope with a lot
    - I can be flexible
    - I can allow myself to feel whatever I feel, somehow, I will bounce back.