11 June, 2018

No fast forward button to healing

During my years of infertility, I only ever saw a counsellor once – via my IVF clinic, and after my second ectopic, as it was resolving. I remember thinking she could give me some coping mechanisms that would help me cope with this. To my disgust, she didn’t. I figured out why though - there are no easy answers to grief.

On the message board I visited, the lovely Sarahg (who guestposted here) told me there was no “Get out of Jail Free” card simply because I’d been through an ectopic before – and that’s the hard part of loss, and of beginning a No Kidding life. Just because we might get to the stage where we might hope that we might be okay in the long run (or believe people like me who keep reassuring others they will be okay), we can’t fast forward through the mourning period, the healing, the adjustments, and the two steps forward one step back dance that we all must go through, in our own way.

But doing it with help, gentle guidance, and loving encouragement, whether it is through blogging ourselves, reading other blogs, belonging to social media groups or support groups in real life, makes it a lot easier. That’s why I blog; and that’s also why, later this week, I will be reviewing Lesley Pyne’s new book, Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness.


  1. This is so true. And yet so many assume one can fast forward through the grieving process. I wonder where this idea came from?

  2. This is beautiful and it rings so true to me. Fast forward would be so nice, but the help, and the love, and the community that exist make the fact that fast forward doesn't exist bearable. I know, logically, there is life after all this grief and loss, and I know that although it's hard to get there, tools and friends will make it less hard.

    I'll look forward to your review.

  3. "There are no easy answers to grief." -- isn't that the truth. It's hard sitting in the grief, going from numb to ugly cry and back around again with maybe a day of bitterness added in, but those things are part of the (my) process. I think it all makes us and others uncomfortable, and society has a hard time with uncomfortable emotions. Especially grieving something so significant but strangely intangible. This is beautiful, and I'm also looking forward to your review. Blogging is such a lifesaver.

  4. Yes! One thing (of many) that I liked about Lesley's book: her emphasis that you must.do.the.work (of grieving). Time helps, yes, and there's no fast road -- and what works for one person might not help someone else -- but the process goes a whole lot faster if you face your grief and do what it takes to get through it.