23 May, 2022

Being an aunt

 A week or so, Loribeth alerted her readers to an article written by Yael Wolfe, titled I'm Retiring from Aunthood. She is a No Kidding author talks about her love for her nieces and nephews, and all the help she gave her siblings with their children. "Nothing was more important to me than those kids," she writes. She notes, almost as an aside, that the help was often one-sided, and that she didn't get the same degree of support and assistance from her family (except occasionally from her brother) that her siblings with children received.

She is writing the article on Mother's Day, feeling left out and unwanted, and sad that no-one cares about aunts. "I think we should care about aunts."  

The article is devastating. I hear the yearning that she feels for these children she loves, and for the role she played in their lives ("Second Mommy" for one of the children). I feel her loneliness that she now only sees her nieces and nephews a few times a year, when she used to see them a few times a week. I feel that too, when we are so far away from all my nieces and nephews and great-nephews - the closest is a seven-hour drive, and the furthest is on the east coast of the US. The Husband actually said to me the other day, as we were admiring photos of little great-nephews growing up in Western Australia, that we are very isolated from our families. It can be lonely.

I feel too the lack of acknowledgement she gets from not just the kids, but from her siblings, who have benefited from her love for her nieces/nephews, but are it seems completely oblivious. They are the ones who are at fault. Are they so focused on their family that they don't consider their sister, and let her know how much she will be missed? 

Also, the focus only on the nuclear family, rather than all who contribute to the lives of the children, damages not only those who are excluded, but it is damaging for the children. They might grow to see people as replaceable or unimportant or learn to take them for granted. The sadness they might feel at losing their aunt (in terms of time and physical presence) might be dismissed by the parents, and not fully acknowledged, teaching a child that their feelings don't matter.

The author quotes her nephew who, when she shared how sad she is that they are leaving, "just shrugs and says, “We just need some new adventures.”"  She is tremendously hurt by this. Though, without knowing how old he was, I wonder if he was parroting his parents. Maybe he expressed sadness or hesitancy about moving, about leaving his school and friends and yes, about his aunt, and his parents said, "we need some new adventures" to explain the move. Perhaps he is very sad, but not really allowed to express that? We won't really know, but it is a reminder that when we are feeling very hurt, we focus on that, rather than on the other possibilities. I think it is a reminder too that as aunts, we are the adults, and we can't really put our feelings before the children. For that reason, I wouldn't want to retire from aunthood, however hurt I am, or however distant (in geographical terms) I might be. Stepping back a little is fine, but I know I've always wanted my nieces (in particular, a couple with whom I've had closer relationships) and nephews/great-nephews to know that I'm here for them if they need me.

Of course, I'm not saying that she can't grieve the loss of these families and the children in her day-to-day life. It is a real loss, and one that I suspect will not be acknowledged by anyone except her No Kidding friends. It's one we understand, and for many of us, feel deeply.

I do hope that the children will always feel a closeness with her, established as it was at such a young age, and I hope that the children I've been close to will always feel that too. Writing this reminded me to text my 14-year-old niece, asking if she had received my birthday present. I've been irritated, for about a month off and on, that neither my sister (her mother) or my niece had let me know, despite me telling them when to look out for the mailbox. We were taught when we were young to send thank you notes. Thank you texts are so much easier, you'd think, but it seems not. Still, I had a lovely exchange with her, she confirmed receipt of the gift and was very grateful, we chatted about books, and she's promised to tell me what a particular book was like when she's finished it. She'll probably forget! I am not just secondary in her life, but come well down the list, simply because I see her only a few times a year. But I hope that these little exchanges remind her that she is loved, just as my exchanges with my adult nieces in Australia remind them I'm part of their lives, and that I love them. They start to drift away in their teens, but I think when they're adults they might come back to us - even if they don't communicate as often as we would like! And as older teenagers and adults, we develop independent relationships with them, separate from our relationships with their parents. That can be a real bonus! I think too that as adults they start to appreciate who we are, and our places in their lives, that they didn't, or couldn't, when they were younger.

Aunthood is complicated, and even more so when we don't have our own children. As children I've know have drifted away, or moved physically, I've decided to cherish the experiences I had with them, to value that time, and to understand that it had real value to them and/or their parents too. It taught them so much - that lives are different, that people other than your parents can love you, nurture you, teach you, laugh with you. If it hasn't continued, or if it changes, it doesn't negate the special parts we played in each others' lives. I think that's really important. To recognise that it was good, and to appreciate that.

10 comments:

  1. This is a tough one. A couple of weeks ago I read a post that started like this:

    “ A famous dead guy once famously observed that man is a social animal. We all feel the need to connect, and yet we all -- myself included -- resist the effort required. It always seems like human connection ought to come cheaper than it does, because wow it can be so frickin' expensive.”

    ….and I sure can relate! It’s extremely rare that I would deliberately choose to exclude a friend or family member, but all sorts of things can lead to the unintentional result, including (often) not understanding the wishes of a friend or family member to be included, or how they might change over time. For example, I spent years inviting mine and my husband’s brothers to family events, only to have them say no. But recently, they have been coming to everything. So I have to remember to not assume they aren’t interested.

    I find, personally, I rely on structure and tradition to maintain these connections. It takes some of the pressure off my personal attention and awareness, which almost always feels over extended. (I’m also an introvert).

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  2. …I would add, for me, Covid further complicated and reduced connection and inclusivity because I worried about being judged for asking to get together with people or inviting them to events. People were encouraged to “rank order” their social contacts and label who was in their bubble and who wasn’t. There are very few people I feel comfortable having this conversation with so frankly I just didn’t have it with most people, especially casual contacts. It’s only recently I’ve gotten the confidence back to say “come and join us!” at whatever. I’ve also come to a place within myself where I will not be hurt or offended by a No or someone judging me, because of Covid or whatever else. (But it took a while.) The past two years have been quite useful for sorting out my hierarchy of values, to be honest. And I’ve definitely landed on the side of connection is essential.

    —torthuil

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  3. I have known grandparents who have had the same experience. Sometimes as everyone grows the children return again...... and sometimes not. So it is always best to share love and hope that the love is paid forward if not back. Unconditional love is the gift.

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  4. We have been very close with one of my nephews who will soon graduate from college. I’m praying that when he starts his new life that he will still want to be spend time with us. Sometimes the future seems bleak and lonely.

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  5. I appreciate your perspective a lot. Aunthood IS complicated. For me as a CNBC woman anyway. I wrote a post in response to Yael's post where I stated that being an aunt doesn't really matter and nobody cares, but that isn't entirely accurate. Your post reminded me of my Great Aunt that was very special to me. And I've exchanged some texts recently with my own nephew who is now a grown adult.

    I really like what you wrote: "I've decided to cherish the experiences I had with them, to value that time, and to understand that it had real value to them... If it hasn't continued, or if it changes, it doesn't negate the special parts we played in each others' lives. I think that's really important. To recognise that it was good, and to appreciate that." I think you're right. Thank you for sharing your perspective. It really helps me. <3

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  6. Oof, this: "the focus only on the nuclear family, rather than all who contribute to the lives of the children, damages not only those who are excluded, but it is damaging for the children. They might grow to see people as replaceable or unimportant or learn to take them for granted." Such a great point. I felt sad that not only did I not get to be a mom, but I really didn't get to have nieces/nephews that were little (my sister's stepsons were 16 and 21 when they married and they live 4 hours away, Bryce is an only child). I cherish relationships with my friends' kids, but it seems the pandemic has made that tough too. I think your point about teaching children that there are many caring adults in their lives is so important, including those who aren't related to them. Great post!

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  7. I can hear the pain in the original article by Yael Wolf. And I hear your resilience in the way you frame the moving away for new adventures -- possibly as part of a story arc and not the ending point. That sounds very wise to me.

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  8. This is something that has made me very sad for a number of years now. I gave a niece and nephew; both adults now. I was very, very close to them. I regularly slept over and was very involved in their lives; as were my parents. They are both married now. I was not in a single family picture at my niece’s wedding; I invited myself and my aunt to my grand niece’s first birthday and were told that because of Covid, it would be via zoom; only grandparents and great grandparents could be there. She will be 2 now and I have seen her on 4 occasions. My nephew never calls me nor his grandparents, who like me, helped raise him. They are all into their friends and the nuclear family. I was raised in a very warm Hispanic family. My grandmothers and one of my aunts lived with us. I am now my aunts caregiver (the great aunt mentioned earlier, who is 94). But I feel I am very far down in the list of concerns of my niece, and much more so, my nephew. It is something that makes me very sad, especially as I have become a caregiver for my parents and my aunt. I read something my aunt had the other day that said: Do not let people pity you, let them respect you. I find myself thinking of how to live a life where I command respect.

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    1. I am sorry to hear this. I think self-respect is the first hurdle we always have - and it sounds to me you are worthy of a lot of that. I hope that your niece will remember how much involvement you had with her, and take time to appreciate it one day. I wonder too if just saying "I miss you - we used to have such fun when you were younger," might remind her of the place you had in her life, and the love you still feel for her?

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  9. What a great post, Mali. :) "If it hasn't continued, or if it changes, it doesn't negate the special parts we played in each others' lives. I think that's really important. To recognise that it was good, and to appreciate that." Yes.

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