Phew! What with visitors one week, then recovery from visitors, some other social engagements, and no sleep through the French Open in the last week, it's taken me a while to get back to normal. I was going to write something along the lines that taking my time to do this is much easier when I don't have children to worry about. But of course, neither do most of my friends who are my age now too. I just spent the evening yesterday with some friends, all of whom have children, two with grandchildren, and none with any commitments due to children, simply because we're all in our 50s or above and the children are grown (or as close to grown that it barely counts). This is something we forget when we're in the midst of our infertility anguish, because it so often coincides with the family building of our friends, when they can be so busy and focused on their kids. Kids grow up and leave home (usually), and parents become free again.
Recently, elsewhere, the question was posed about what is good about being in our 50s. I commented that, along with the freedom that comes with increased confidence, self-knowledge, and the reduction of career angst, the reclamation of friendships with our parented friends when their kids grow up and become independent can be one of the best things about getting older. Yes, our relationships with those once-departed parent friends them may have changed, especially if we felt rejected or neglected when they made their social lives with other parents. But it doesn't mean that we need to lose the best parts of our friendships - the common interests, or the laughter. We might not be as close as we were, but we can still be part of each others' lives.
I wrote a post about this back in 2015, and find now that it is even more true as time passes. My readers' comments there were interesting, some struggling, and some hopeful. To prove that not all parents ignore their No Kidding friends, two parents noted that the friends they valued the most were the ones who saw them as a whole person, not just as a parent. And another reader wrote that she found she was reclaiming her friends, and that it was "really lovely." Her final comment provided motivation for me to write this post:"I wish that I had read this post five years ago when it felt like all my
friends had set sail to the island of children leaving me crying on the
shore."
So I write this to offer hope. It really does get easier.
I'm so happy to read you've spent time with friends! I'm finding my 40s are much less painful than my 30s, partly due to my grieving and healing but also due to meeting women in their 50s and 60s whose children are grown. Raising children is temporary (something I could not see when I was lonely and TTC); kids really do grow up!
ReplyDeleteI find my own friendships shifting now, since they are no longer all about the activities of our children. Some feel naturally connected and some feel they have run their course. So interesting to discover what a relationship is/was/could be based on.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting to see what happens when there are shifts in life experience. So many of my friends' kids are older now, and while that means my friend doesn't have to hide in the bathroom to talk to me, she does find herself an unpaid Uber service, pulled in three different directions. But, our lives increasingly have more in common. It was very hard to have friends who were experiencing the life we could not achieve at the time, but easier with some than others (those who saw the whole person and not parent/not-parent, and who could acknowledge the loss without exasperation). Going through stuff definitely helps you to see what a friendship is based on, like Lori said.
ReplyDeleteWeird, my comment disappeared into thin air. Apologies if it shows up twice! I've lost friends over time, but those who have stuck around are definitely those who do not see parent as the whole of their identity. Even though, ironically, both of these women are technically stay-at-home moms! There's definitely a difference in parenting young children than older ones when it comes to time and being able to talk without hiding in a bathroom somewhere. :) I agree with Lori, definitely fascinating to find out what relationships are based in as life experiences change.
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