The contradictions of a No Kidding life

Along the same lines as last week, when I talked about holding joy and grief in the same space, I think infertility, loss, and childlessness has taught me a lot about contradictory emotions, or as Lori LL says, the “BothAnd.” So it is easy for me now to feel both loss and gain, sadness even resentment alongside gratitude, to feel pity and anger.

In my example last week, I talked about the joy of travelling. That’s one of the Gifts I mention in my 25 post series about the Gifts of Infertility (or Childlessness). It is a gift, a benefit I can indulge in that is easier because I don’t have children. I was chatting with my SIL the other week, and we were talking about London. I was talking about how we use the Heathrow Express to Paddington, so like to stay around there, or try to find a hotel or flat that is close to a Tube station (London Underground). She mentioned that her sister says it is much more reasonable to take the buses. It’s true, I know that. But it hadn’t crossed my mind, simply because the Underground makes it so easy for two of us to get around London when we visit. Unlike my SIL, we don’t have three kids and their girlfriends/boyfriends in tow, making it exceedingly expensive. My husband and I wouldn’t be able to afford to travel if we had to pay for so many. So while I feel the loss of not exploring the world with my kids, in the way they are able to, I can also see the freedom and benefits of a No Kidding lifestyle that still allows me to explore. Gain and loss, loss and gain, both sides of the same coin.

Likewise, I feel gratitude for the life I am able to live as a woman without children, even at the same time that I feel resentment at the societal assumptions about me and my life. I feel gratitude that I live in a city and society that accepts women without children more than other parts of the world. NZ’s first elected female Prime Minister, Helen Clark, has never had children. Our third female Prime Minister, Jacinda Arden, was elected when she did not have children (though soon announced her pregnancy). Women are, I think, more valued here, less bowed down by religious values and restrictions, and so I feel gratitude for that. But still, we are not immune from the political election cycles that talk about “our children and children’s children,” the tax policies that dramatically favour families, and the social welfare system that relies on families for support, forgetting that so many do not have families (at all, or nearby) to help. And so I hold gratitude and resentment in the same space too.

And even here, in No Kidding in NZ Land, there is always the conflict between embracing and enjoying my life without children, and acknowledging the ongoing loss that is a life without children that was not by choice. How much do I say about each thing? Is it balanced? How has it changed over time? How do I write about the fact that it gets so much easier than it was twenty years ago, without devaluing the loss and the pain that I felt back then? That still creeps up on me.

I guess that’s life, regardless of whether we have children or not. Life and its contradictions are something we all share. I hope I am able to talk about it all honestly here, and so find balance.