23 July, 2015

Gifts of Infertility Series - #22 - Letting Go

Letting go of the dream, the plan, the idea of having children, is tough. In saying good-bye to that future we’ll never have, there are a lot of things we need to farewell. Acceptance of our new lives requires us to let go of the old dreams and assumptions, some of which I've carried with me my entire life. But I discovered I can't truly move forward if they still have power over me - if they still influence the way I feel about myself or others, if they still make me feel sad, or guilty.

In order to reach acceptance of my new life, I’ve had to let go of:
              Attachment to material possessions
              An on-going genetic line
              A legacy
              Social standing

I’ve written about all of these things before, as you can see if you follow the links.

My conclusion is that attachment to all of these things is rooted in ego. Letting go of ego wasn’t easy. It required some introspection, and a whole lot of acceptance. I had to accept that I had failed in my quest to have children, that my body had failed me and my husband, that I would never be the most important person in the world to someone (other than my husband), that future generations would find me on a family tree coincidentally rather than deliberately, that my status in the world was downgraded as a non-parent. Ultimately, I had to accept that the universe hadn’t given me what I wanted. This isn't easy. And it doesn't happen quickly. The letting go process takes a lot of time, a lot of thought, and can at times be very painful.  

Acceptance. I’ve written about it before – many times! Letting go of all of these ideas meant that I could let go of the hurt that attachment to each of these ideas had caused me. Realising that I had no choice, and that my life wasn’t going to be enhanced by refusing to acknowledge what I couldn’t change, allowed me to accept and let go. In doing so, I had to let go of my ego. I had to find other ways to value myself. It was enlightening, and liberating, lifting huge burdens I didn't know were weighing me down. And it was and is helpful and healing in all aspects of my life.


  1. As you often do, you've said just the right thing. I've been thinking a lot about "what could have been" over the last few days and I really do need to let go of that line of thinking and focus on "what is" and make it the best it can possibly be.

  2. exactly what BentNotBroken commented - you've said just the right thing that I needed to hear today.
    Thank you.

  3. I will disagree with you on one point: not being the most important person in the world to someone. Yes, there is a natural affinity between parent/child. But do you know how many people screw this up? My parents are not the most important people in the world to me. And family is not dictated by blood/genetics.

    And I for one am grateful for you.