Thinking positively: A Guide

A decade ago, I made a note in my blogging drafts folder of a series of posts written by Hope at A Crack in Everything (still online, but not added to since 2015) that talked about an “encouragement card” issued by an IVF clinic, in an attempt to ease the stress felt by those undergoing the process. The card was inspired by a study showing that positive thinking helps relieve stress, and its ten points basically said, “think positively.” Not bad advice, but not terribly helpful. Do read all three posts. They’re really wonderful. And I hope that Hope is doing well, wherever she is.

She included a great list of things that would have helped her at the time, and at the end of the posts, she asked, “What would be on your personal encouragement card?”

It's taken ten years, but I’m finally getting around to writing about this. All these years later, I’m not thinking about the IVF process, of course, but rather the life that came after. I guess my whole blog has been a personal encouragement card. It reflects what helped me, and what I say to myself to keep going, regardless of the situation that has got me down. These messages both apply to No Kidding situations, but also to many other life experiences too. And although I completely agree that thinking positively helps me enjoy life, feel compassion, and feel fulfilled, we sometimes need a guideline on how to get there.

So my personal encouragement card would include the following:

1. You’re allowed to feel crappy. Let yourself. Forgive yourself for this too.
2. But you won’t feel like this forever. Know that it is true, until you can come to actually feel it and believe it. You will be okay.
3. You’re also allowed to feel good. Smile. Laugh. Feel bliss. It’s not a betrayal. It helps. And anything that helps is worth it. 
4. Try some mindfulness, consciously enjoying the little things of life. Good music, something funny, a good cup of coffee or tea, the sun on your face, good food, a hug from a friend, a warm bath or hot shower, etc. Fleeting feelings of comfort or joy is a great start, and can grow into a practice.
5. When you are ready, let yourself think about what might be the positives in your life. You’ll need to teach yourself – or maybe even force yourself, at first – to look for them though. Trust me – they will be there. There is a positive side. 
6. When you’ve found it or them, let yourself enjoy the positive side.
7. Remember that just because you enjoy on the positives, it doesn’t mean you deserved this, or brought it on yourself. There’s nothing to feel guilty about. This life may not be what you planned. But it yours. The positives are there, they’re real, and it would be a waste to ignore them.
8. Learn to challenge the negative voices – your own, and others. Once you’ve disputed them, don’t let them back in.
9. Love yourself, and feel compassion for yourself. Give yourself comfort. Stop beating yourself up. It helps more than you can imagine. 
10. Know you are enough. You will come to believe this.

What would be on your personal encouragement card?

 

Monday Miscellany: Another No Kidding Version

• I was chatting with an old friend yesterday (just to clarify, she is one I’ve known for 44 years, not an OLD friend, even though we are of course, both getting older), and mentioned I needed to write a post for this blog. She is also living a No Kidding life. She commented that for years, people would try to convince her to have children. That she needed to have kids so she would have someone to look after her in her old age. Aside from the obvious, that this is no guarantee of having care, she noted that this attitude is completely selfish. I totally agree. I’ve seen it in practice. There wasn’t always a lot of gratitude, the reliance on the children made the elderly feel very vulnerable. Whereas if plans had been made, and put into action, they would have actually had more control over their lives in their last years. Another reminder to us all.

• I’m again thinking about the carbon emissions of travel. We tend to go on longer trips, so that we have fewer long haul flights. I was thinking about Taylor Swift flying back and forth from Japan to see her boyfriend play some apparently-important game in the US. Then I thought of a family of teenagers and adults I know that is flying for four hours to Melbourne to see Taylor Swift’s concert. Then they fly home after only a day or two. It made me feel – if not wholesome, then at least much less guilty about international travel. Having children really does massively increase a person’s carbon footprint.

• So it’s getting real. I mentioned a while ago I have an essay included in an anthology that is coming out this year, called Otherhood. In fact, it’s just in a few months, in early May. Here’s a totally permitted sneak peek at the cover. I’ll give more information then, but I know they're publishing in paper and ebooks. There's an insta page - https://www.instagram.com/otherhood.book/ and I'm quoted in their first post there. It can also be found on Goodreads too, to add it to your to-read list.
  
  
• I love the blurb on the back. It encompasses us all, and emphasises the need for "a more inclusive conversation about what makes a fulfilling life."
  

 

 

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Just Us

Yesterday, my husband and I celebrated a major wedding anniversary. MAJOR! It seems hard to believe that we are that old, to have been married for so many years. We’ve had an amazing time together, with the usual ups and downs that people have. It’s just that our ups and downs have not been children-related. Wait. Actually, some of them have been – infertility and pregnancy loss and getting used to the idea of never having children are ALL children-related. They’re just not the usual ups and downs.

I know that a lot of people go through relationship difficulties during infertility, especially if there are differences of opinion over how far to go down the reproductive assistance or adoption angle, if either or both of those are possible options. And I know of relationships that haven’t worked out as a result. But I also know many who have formalised their relationships after becoming permanently childless, many who have celebrated their relationships with new commitments or new beginnings together. Being childless does not doom a relationship, just as having kids doesn’t keep people together.  My husband and I became closer through our losses, and have stayed closer as the years have passed. (Which is not to say that we don’t drive each other crazy at times. We are very different personalities!) We have been lucky, we know. But it has also required understanding, commitment, and patience. A lot of patience! Love can get you through.

So we went out for a special meal on Saturday night, and I cooked us a favourite meal on Sunday and we had a special bottle of champagne. I’m not going to lie, though. There was a twinge of emptiness – people celebrating this number of anniversaries are usually surrounded by children and grandchildren. Others who genuinely want to celebrate our relationship. Our anniversaries always pass by unrecognised by everyone else except us, and our parents when they were still around. One of my sisters made a point of remembering this year, publicly posting on my social media feed, which was lovely of her. 

But otherwise, it was just us. Of course, we could make a big deal of it. Invite friends over, sisters to visit, etc. But ultimately, the relationship has been for us, about us, with us. There haven’t been any other people in our lives distracting us, or acting as a buffer zone in conflicts. It's always been just us. And therefore celebrating it that way, just the two of us, seems somehow right. We are enough.

 

We had to celebrate with champagne,
of course!

 

Perspective in a No Kidding life

I have been struggling with what I might post today. I know what I'm going to write about next week. But today, I have been drawing a blank. As a result, I've been doing a lot of reading - of my drafts document, of previous posts, and of articles that have been referenced, discussed, and debated in the wider ALI blogging community. It has been interesting. The key theme that keeps coming up is that of perspective. 

It comes up because so often there is a lack of perspective. Too often parents are unable to put themselves in our shoes, to see their comments from our perspective. Or we might be angry at others, unable to fully understand their perspective, or understand what motivates their comments. Equally, it might be that we can fully understand the perspective from the other side, but equally, not agree with their conclusions. After all, I might hear and understand someone's perspective and the points they are making, but still, on balance, disagree with their statements or analysis or judgements or approach.

But when there is perspective, there is better balance. By trying to look at things from the perspectives of others, I understand that life is not always greener on the other side, that our "what-ifs" focus only on our dreams, not the myriad possible realities of life. Perspective therefore is really important to me. Developing it has helped me heal, it has helped me better understand others (including someone close to me), and it has helped me become more compassionate and forgiving. Though I've always had it (I credit that for being a middle child!), my approach is much more conscious these days. As a result, it has changed the way I think.

Perspective grounds me. It gives me balance. It helps me understand and appreciate my life. It also gives me more confidence in my own views, knowing that I have tried to consider the positions of all involved. That is liberating to someone who has always been more hesitant about volunteering my views.

Perspective is particularly valuable in our No Kidding lives, allowing us to legitimately mourn what we have lost, and at the exact same time, allowing us to embrace and enjoy what we have as a result. There's such freedom in that.

Other relevant posts include:

• Balance
• Pathways, not Barriers

Monday Miscellany: No Kidding Version

Further to my post last week, this week I am both thriving and wilting. It's hot. Thinking about my photo from last week's post makes me want a swim. I'm generally not crazy enough to swim in cold Wellington waters. Unless the heat continues. Though I probably would have been to the beach several times if I had kids at home. Maybe I'd even have dared to dip in the water. Even thinking about it is tempting!

Not that, at my age, I would still have kids at home. It's interesting to make that adjustment mentally. For twenty years, I have thought to myself things like, "I would be doing X if I had kids," or alternatively, "I wouldn't be able to do X if I had kids." I didn't do it to torture myself - not after the first few years anyway. But it was just a way of acknowledging my life. Still, I actually have to stop doing that now. Except for one, none of my peers still have kids at home. Our lives, superficially at least, are all very similar in that regard.

We were talking about money this morning. My husband said we are living beyond our means. We dug into that, and although we are not in fact doing so in general, our travel aspirations and scarily, rampant inflation, could take us close to that realm. Although of course, as we get older, our spending will drop - except perhaps on medical expenses that are not covered, or living expenses and assistance. And I got wondering whether people with children, in similar financial circumstances to us, think about these things as much. Our relatives with children will always have them as a financial back up, just as I was for my mother (although it wasn't really necessary), and my husband and his brothers were all there for his parents (though their frugality made it unnecessary also). If my sisters and brothers-in-law ever need funds, their well-educated kids will be there for them. Do they ever consciously acknowledge that? Does it make life easier for them? Or do they just take it for granted, I wonder?

Of course, in the interests of being fair, I also have to acknowledge those whose children might be more of a financial drain on their parents in their old age. Unless one of our nieces/nephews go rogue, or have terrible luck (always possible), we shouldn't have to deal with that. But parents can't ever really wash their hands of their children either. So it's a good reminder not to look at issues from only one perspective.